Understanding and responding to tantrums, crying, big feelings, and early behavior red flags in toddlers

Toddler Behavior & Emotional Regulation

Toddlers’ intense emotional expressions—tantrums, crying, hitting, and other challenging behaviors—are a hallmark of early childhood development, reflecting a complex interplay of burgeoning emotions, sensory experiences, communication attempts, and emerging autonomy. Understanding these behaviors as meaningful signals rather than mere defiance is crucial for caregivers and professionals seeking to nurture healthy emotional growth and prevent persistent difficulties.

The Roots of Toddler Tantrums, Crying, and Hitting: Why Do They Happen?

Between 12 and 36 months, toddlers undergo rapid emotional, cognitive, and sensory development. Their behaviors often reflect underlying developmental needs or environmental stresses rather than intentional misbehavior. Key contributors include:

Limited Emotional Regulation: Toddlers experience emotions deeply but lack the skills and language to manage or express them. Frustration, anger, or sadness can quickly escalate into tantrums or crying spells when they feel overwhelmed or misunderstood.
Sensory Processing Needs: Some behaviors, such as hitting or hair-pulling, may stem from sensory-seeking or sensory-avoidance impulses. For example, a toddler might hit out of sensory overload or pull hair to gain tactile stimulation.
Communication Barriers: Without sufficient vocabulary, toddlers use behavior to communicate needs—be it hunger, tiredness, pain, or desire for attention. Crying and tantrums become their primary language for expressing discomfort or unmet needs.
Assertion of Autonomy: Toddlers begin to test boundaries and assert independence, leading to power struggles and emotional outbursts as they navigate self-control.
Environmental Triggers: Fatigue, hunger, overstimulation, disruptions in routine, or unfamiliar environments can provoke challenging behaviors.

Recognizing these behaviors as meaningful signals encourages caregivers to respond with empathy and strategic support rather than frustration, fostering trust and emotional competence.

Transforming Tantrums into Growth: Effective Caregiver Responses

Caregivers play a pivotal role in helping toddlers navigate big feelings by adopting calm, empathic, and consistent approaches that validate emotions while teaching regulation skills:

Stay Calm and Emotionally Attuned: Toddlers are highly sensitive to caregiver mood. Remaining calm not only models emotional regulation but also creates a safe space where toddlers feel secure expressing themselves.
Practice Emotion Coaching: Verbally naming and validating feelings empowers toddlers to understand and manage their emotions. Simple affirmations like “I see you’re upset” or “It’s okay to feel angry” help build emotional literacy. The video Emotion Coaching: The Parenting Skill That Shapes Regulation, Resilience, and Relationships offers evidence-based techniques for this approach.
Offer Sensory Alternatives: When behaviors like hair-pulling emerge, providing safe tactile substitutes—such as textured toys or silicone rings coated with soft substances like mashed banana—can meet sensory needs without harm.
Create Calming Spaces and Sensory Breaks: Designated quiet corners and sensory regulation activities (deep pressure hugs, rhythmic movement, or calming tactile input) help toddlers regain control. The resource Follow along #9 sensory regulation breaks- sensory diet @MagicBeansOccupationalTherapy demonstrates practical strategies.
Set Gentle, Consistent Boundaries: Calmly communicated limits teach toddlers expectations while respecting their emotional experience. This balance reduces power struggles and fosters security.
Decode Crying with Structured Tools: The 5-Step ABA-Informed Crying Decoding method equips caregivers to interpret crying cues accurately, responding in ways that reduce maladaptive reinforcement and frustration.
Incorporate Calming Audio and Consistent Routines: Soothing music (e.g., Mozart or Brahms lullabies in Baby Sleep Instantly) alongside bedtime routines supports emotional regulation and sleep readiness. Dr. Arif Khan’s 5 Universal Sleep Rules to Help Your Child Sleep Better highlights the importance of consistent bedtime, limiting screen time, and creating calm environments to reduce irritability.
Address Persistent Crying Proactively: For prolonged or inconsolable crying, targeted strategies from What to Do When Your Baby Won't Stop Crying can help caregivers manage stress and know when to seek additional support.
Teach Safety through Clear Rules: The recently added video No Rules vs Safety Rules! Kids Learn Why Safety Matters underscores the importance of establishing simple, clear safety guidelines. Teaching toddlers safety rules in a fun, understandable way helps reduce anxiety and behavioral outbursts linked to confusion or fear around limits.

Early Behavior Red Flags: When to Seek Professional Evaluation

While many toddler behaviors are typical, certain patterns warrant attention and possible intervention to support healthy development:

Extreme or Prolonged Tantrums: Outbursts that are unusually intense, frequent, or extend beyond typical developmental stages.
Persistent Self-Injury: Repeated hair-pulling or other self-harm behaviors causing physical damage.
Marked Social Withdrawal: Lack of engagement with caregivers or peers, which may indicate social or developmental concerns.
Severe Sleep Disturbances: Sleep problems that impair daytime functioning or worsen emotional regulation.
Developmental Regressions: Loss of previously acquired skills, often signaling underlying issues needing assessment.

Early, culturally responsive developmental surveillance is essential. The Child Development Milestones by Age: Growth Charts, Autism Screening ... resource emphasizes milestone tracking and autism screening at key ages (18 and 24 months). Using culturally calibrated norms reduces misdiagnosis and ensures equitable access to support services.

Supporting Caregivers: The Foundation for Toddler Emotional Health

Caregivers’ wellbeing profoundly influences their ability to respond effectively to toddler behaviors. Strategies to bolster caregiver resilience include:

Normalizing Stress and Emotional Fatigue: Validating that parenting toddlers is inherently challenging and feelings of overwhelm are normal.
Prioritizing Self-Care: Encouraging restorative sleep, brief breaks, peer support, and professional counseling when needed to maintain emotional balance.
Promoting Mutual Regulation: Techniques such as rhythmic rocking, babywearing, and creating calm environments foster co-regulation, strengthening caregiver-child bonds.
Utilizing Practical Solo-Parenting Tips: Resources like 11 Things to Make Solo Parenting Easier offer actionable guidance to reduce stress and improve parenting efficacy.

Supporting caregivers creates a nurturing environment where toddlers feel secure, understood, and supported in managing their big feelings.

Additional Practical Resources for Caregivers and Professionals

Are you unknowingly causing your child’s tantrums? Understand your child better not louder, smarter. — Highlights how caregiver responses shape toddler behavior.
Big feelings: Five ways parents can help kids learn to regulate their emotions — Offers straightforward emotional coaching techniques.
Helping Children Through Tantrums: How to Teach Self-Regulation — Frames tantrums as developmental milestones.
Is your toddler going through a hitting phase? — Normalizes hitting and provides constructive response strategies.
Toddler Behavior Problems: 5 Early Warning Signs & Red Flags — Guides early identification of concerning behaviors.
Calming Strategies for Toddlers: 9 Ways That Actually Work — Practical calming methods for everyday situations.
5 Universal Sleep Rules to Help Your Child Sleep Better | Dr.Arif Khan — Sleep hygiene tips to enhance toddler mood and behavior.
What to Do When Your Baby Won't Stop Crying — Techniques to manage persistent crying and caregiver stress.
No Rules vs Safety Rules! Kids Learn Why Safety Matters — Engaging methods to teach toddlers safety boundaries, reducing confusion and anxiety.

Summary and Implications

Toddlers’ tantrums, crying, and challenging behaviors are natural expressions of intense emotions, sensory needs, and developmental transitions. By understanding why these behaviors occur and responding with calm, empathic emotion coaching paired with sensory-informed supports, caregivers can foster toddlers’ emotional regulation and resilience.

Early identification of red flags combined with culturally sensitive developmental surveillance ensures timely access to interventions for children needing additional support. Concurrently, supporting caregiver wellbeing strengthens the foundation for responsive, nurturing care.

Incorporating clear safety rules and boundaries in developmentally appropriate ways further reduces confusion and behavioral escalation, promoting a secure environment for toddlers to explore and grow.

Together, these evidence-informed approaches transform toddler challenges into meaningful opportunities for connection, growth, and emotional learning—laying the groundwork for healthy development and resilient families.

By integrating these insights and practical tools into daily caregiving, families and professionals can turn toddler tantrums and big feelings into pivotal moments of connection and emotional growth, fostering lifelong skills and healthy relationships.

Sources (20)